Herman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
funny_herman) wrote2004-09-16 09:18 pm
funny_herman) wrote2004-09-16 09:18 pm
I all alone beweep my outcast state
I was emotionally all right for a while.
Until I came home and had a moment to myself and realized that I was alone again.
I was surrounded with people and nearly unending activity in London. Every urge, every whim, every desire -- I was free to act upon it. I had never felt so decadent. I have Danny to thank, of course, but...perhaps too much of a good thing is indeed bad. I tell myself not to wallow in the pit of withdrawal, but for one unused to such a lifestyle, it is overwhelming.
To make matters worse, in some spasm of foolishness, I offered Stephen a drink and made it sound as if I were coming onto him. ...Well, I suppose I was coming onto him, but I did not mean for it to be so overt. I wish I could have taken it back. If he were but another face with a cockney accent in some pub in the West End, the meeting would have ended the same as all the others, but he is not.
Thankfully Ophilia arrived and swept him up in conversation. I was relieved to not have to say much for the rest of the evening. Though perhaps a bit envious. But there is that spasm of foolishness again.
I was thoroughly grounded when Molly gave me a baby's cap knitted by her young daughter. I merely think briefly upon the gesture and my eyes cloud and my heart aches. ...I cannot think more about it or I will be reduced to tears.
I have nowhere special to put the gift as of yet, so I keep it under my pillow.
Morning comes and the pigeons outside my window rise with the sun, noisily cooing and flapping their wings. The squab has grown now and is being chased out of the nest by its mother.
After breakfast, and after straightening up a little in the Klub, I go out to take a walk to clear my mind.
Until I came home and had a moment to myself and realized that I was alone again.
I was surrounded with people and nearly unending activity in London. Every urge, every whim, every desire -- I was free to act upon it. I had never felt so decadent. I have Danny to thank, of course, but...perhaps too much of a good thing is indeed bad. I tell myself not to wallow in the pit of withdrawal, but for one unused to such a lifestyle, it is overwhelming.
To make matters worse, in some spasm of foolishness, I offered Stephen a drink and made it sound as if I were coming onto him. ...Well, I suppose I was coming onto him, but I did not mean for it to be so overt. I wish I could have taken it back. If he were but another face with a cockney accent in some pub in the West End, the meeting would have ended the same as all the others, but he is not.
Thankfully Ophilia arrived and swept him up in conversation. I was relieved to not have to say much for the rest of the evening. Though perhaps a bit envious. But there is that spasm of foolishness again.
I was thoroughly grounded when Molly gave me a baby's cap knitted by her young daughter. I merely think briefly upon the gesture and my eyes cloud and my heart aches. ...I cannot think more about it or I will be reduced to tears.
I have nowhere special to put the gift as of yet, so I keep it under my pillow.
Morning comes and the pigeons outside my window rise with the sun, noisily cooing and flapping their wings. The squab has grown now and is being chased out of the nest by its mother.
After breakfast, and after straightening up a little in the Klub, I go out to take a walk to clear my mind.